TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

We have different expectations from our relationships. There's no one formula that suits everyone. What makes some of us happy could make others unhappy. So we manage relationships in our own ways and based on that, there are different kinds of relationships.

Image: Jeppe Schilder

COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

Being in a committed relationship means deciding together on the rules of the relationship and accepting them. It normally means that you are loyal and ‘exclusive’ to each other. You don't make out or have sex with anyone other than your partner.

Commitment isn’t just about sex though. It could also mean emotional commitment. It means being honest about your feelings to each other. Trusting each other in all areas of life. It’s likely that you're in a committed relationship if you've been with the same person for a long time, or promised each other to be faithful, or shared some space together (a home or a room), if you have close financial ties – or if you're married.

However, the easiest way to find out if you've managed to pass the commitment test is to have a talk about it with your partner. Evaluate what both of you want from the relationship and from each other. This honest and open discussion should show the level of commitment you have towards the each other.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

Couples who are in open relationships accept and allow each other to date or have sex with other people. It means they are honest with their partners about sleeping with other people and ideally don't see it as a hindrance to their relationship.

There are different reasons why couples might agree to open relationships. Some people really believe in loving more than one person at the same time. Some are looking for the closeness of a steady relationship without giving up the thrill of new sexual experiences with other people. For others it could be because of lack of sexual compatibility, or living far away from each other. Or maybe they’d really prefer to split up, but because of circumstances – children, family, money – they choose to stay together but have other relationships too.

There are couples who find open relationships work out well for them. But many run into problems. It seems like an appealing idea at first, and you think you’ll be able to cope with the emotions. But in reality there’s no avoiding it: you end up feeling jealous. This can damage the whole relationship.

The best thing to do before entering into an open relationship is to have a long talk about it and share your concerns and insecurities. Then it might be good to test the waters by trying how it works for an agreed period of time before you make the final decision.

LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

Long distance relationships are when the two of you aren’t living together because you live in different places. This means you can’t see each other so often. If you live in Nairobi and your partner lives in Kisumu, you're in a long distance relationship.

Relationships can go long distance because of many reasons. It could be because your partner has found a new job in a different city or country or because you've started at a university far from home.

Today, long distance relationships are becoming more and more possible because of modern forms of communication. Emails, chats, video chats and social networks make it very easy for people to stay in touch while in a long distance relationship.

Before you enter into a long distance relationship, it might be a good idea to think about how your relationship will change because of the distance. For one thing, there’ll be long stretches with no kissing or holding hands or sex. Also you won't get to see and talk to each other in person for long periods of time. It would be great to test it out for a while and see how it works out before making a final commitment.

LIVE-IN RELATIONSHIPS

In some cultures, it's OK for couples to live together without being married. In Kenya, live-in relationships aren't a socially accepted norm, but more and more young, urban couples are choosing to live together anyway.

Partners may choose to live together without getting married for various reasons. It could be because they want to maintain their single status, or because of financial reasons or because they're gay and cannot be legally married. Many people also use live-in relationships as a test before they enter into a married relationship.

Live-in relationships need a lot of commitment and many couples who live together don't see themselves as being any different from married couples. Many countries in the West award long term live-in relationships the same status as marriages in case of separation.

MARRIED RELATIONSHIPS

Marriage is a legal union between two people. It also offers social acceptance of the relationship between the two partners involved. In some cultures marriage is a social requirement before two people start living together.

The decision to get married could be made just by the couple. Or it could be that their families and relatives are also involved in the choice. The ones where the couples fall in love first are labelled as ‘love marriages’ whereas the ones that involve parents and families setting it up are called ‘arranged marriages’.

A marriage is often celebrated with a wedding and married couples consider their wedding dates to mark their marriage anniversaries.

POLYGAMY

While many people think of marriage as a union between two partners, there are parts of the world where more than two people can be involved. Having more than one spouse is called 'polygamy'. In Kenya, this usually means a man has more than one wife, which is called 'polygyny'. There are a few communities in the world though where 'polyandry' is common – a woman having more than one husband.

In Kenya, polygyny is legal and accepted among different tribes and/or religious groups. If you are considering a polygamous relationship make sure you understand the regional laws and customs around the practice before entering this type of marriage. For instance, legally speaking, men do not have to inform their current wife(s) about having another wife.

In many cultures, having more than one wife is a status symbol, and shows wealth and power. Men who have many wives can get more work done – more hands to work on the fields, bring up the children and do housework, giving them an economic advantage. And, men can have larger families with more children if married to more than one woman. Large families are considered a blessing in many African cultures.  

But living in a polygamous marriage can also mean jealousy, envy, hatred and rivalry between the partners, as they have to share a husband. All marriages are hard and it can get even more complicated when more than two people are involved. Coping with a relationship with more than one person can be difficult for some.

Every relationship has its positive aspects as well as negative aspects. Alongside the emotional difficulties, polygamous relationships can sometimes actually cause economic problems if not well managed. And it's not only that women have to cope with their husband having more than one wife. The husband will have to deal with solving the problems of more than one family and make sure that all involved are content with the situation.

This type of relationship is not for everyone and there are no sure-fire ways to make it work. It all depends on the people involved and what their arrangements are.

Whether or not you agree with polygamous relationships, it should be up to those involved to decide. What's important is that everyone knows what they are agreeing to, and they do so out of their free will.

For Men

You may be a man who likes  the idea of being with multiple women. However, you also need to then care for multiple families and divide your time to be available for all your wives and children.

It is most important that you make sure your attention is equally divided and don’t favor one wife over the other. That will avoid jealousy and rivalry among the wives. Patience, understanding and fairness are crucial along with good communication between you and all of your wives.

Some men choose to keep their families in separate locations either on opposite side of the village, or even in different towns. This may help avoid confrontations, but if you do this, you need to make sure you are being honest with each wife and they know about the other(s). If you keep one family a secret and live a life of lies and dishonesty, things are bound to get complicated sooner rather than later.

Also, you need to understand that each family will have its own dynamics, and things will differ between the two families. You can’t expect things to always be a certain way. Flexibility is a must. You also need to appreciate that a second marriage won't fix problems.

Often, when a man marries a new wife he neglects the first wife, which can lead to a lot of bad feelings with the first wife. On the other hand, the first wife might have a stronger bond with the husband, as they have spent time together without another wife around.  Only if the first marriage is stable, does a second marriage have the chance to be successful.

For Women

Whether or not you agree with polygamous relationships, it should be up to the people involved to decide. What's important though is that everyone knows what they are agreeing to, and they do so out of their free will.

If you are in a relationship and the guy wants to add another wife you need to talk about it. Explore what the man is looking for and take time to think about what you want. Sit down and express what are the pros and the cons of adding more people. Try to find something that works for both of you.

No one can be forced into accepting multiple wives, but there can often be a lot of pressure from the husband. Having open and honest conversations will help you and your partner understand the situation and ideally make a decision that addresses everyone’s needs.

If you choose to let in other wives, then make an effort to work together and get along with each other. This might be very difficult at first, but in the long run, having an amicable relationship with each other will make it easier to share a husband. Things tend to be easier if the women don't have to share a house- it's easier to have your own space.

There can be advantages in being part of such an arrangement. It means the women get some uninterrupted time with their children, and time for themselves while the husband is with another family. And it can be reassuring for everybody involved to know that in case something happens to either wife or husband, there is another family to take care of children and spouse.